The Negi Political Special 2007
Abe Outlines ‘Beautiful Country’ Plan; Suggests Planting Flowers
Amid dwindling popular support and increasing pressure from within his party, prime minister Shinzo Abe has outlined long- and short-term goals for his ‘Towards a Beautiful Country’ agenda. The first three initiatives are:
• More flowers to be planted, especially in public places.
• Fines for citizens who fail to fold toilet paper into a triangle after using the bathroom.
• Ugly babies to be left in the woods to die or be raised by woodland creatures.
As many analysts had predicted, the plans were greeted by a firestorm of criticism, as politicians fiercely debated which type of flowers would be best and in which locations they should be planted. Diet debate on the flower issue is expected to begin within the month, and political heavies have already begun voice their support of party vested interests. The conservative LDP has suggested the chrysanthemum as the ideal flower, but experts explain that this flower has proved particularly difficult to pollinate.
SDP Proposes ‘Kawaii Country’ Plan
In an impassioned Diet floor speech this week, Social Democratic Party chairman Hideo Hasegawa slammed the cabinet of prime minister Shinzo Abe for wasting time with empty rhetoric while the pressing issues of the day went unattended.
“Too long have the Japanese people waited for leadership,” he said; “and all we get is some vague notion of a ‘Beautiful Country.’ What we truly need is bold new leadership to reinvent Japan as the 21st century’s first ‘Kawaii Country’.”
The SDP’s proposals include a ambitious scheme to rebrand the nation. At a press conference on Tuesday, they unveiled a new flag (pictured above) called the “HinoMousu” and a modernized version of the national anthem, entitled ‘KimiGaYo Ne!( ‘@’ )’
Starbucks Hiring Outpaces Birth Rate
In a global demographic first, the Japanese birth rate has fallen below the hiring rate of the Starbucks coffee chain. Given current trends in population growth vs Starbucks corporate expansion, it is estimated that by the year 2137 all Japanese nationals will be employed by the company.
Speaking about the problem, Heath and Social Services Minister Hakuo Yanagisawa explained: “Of course we are troubled by these findings. In order for our nation to remain competitive, it is absolutely essential that we encourage Japanese women to make the step into motherhood. You see, making coffee is a special and delicate process and it requires a gentle and caring human to do it. You can’t just use some coffee making machine.”
Other possible remedies included allowing foreign nationals into the country on special ‘barista visas’, although government regulations would require all overseas-trained baristas to be re-trained and take a Japanese language barista qualification course.
Gravia Model Excited About Starting Junior High School
The parents of 12-year-old men’s magazine cover girl Saaya Irette expressed excitement about her entering junior high school at a press conference held by Young Jump On magazine. However, they admitted to being concerned about letting their little girl out into the tough world of the Japanese school system.
“Of course, we do worry a bit,” said Irette’s mother. “Up until now, Saaya has been under the safe supervision of her father and me, and of course her manager, publicist and Pilates instructor. Taking bikini shots in a hot tub is one thing, but I’m afraid she isn’t mature enough to handle the pressure of a seventh grade mathematics class.”
For her part, Irette seemed enthusiastic about the challenge. “I can’t wait to have my very own junior high school uniform,” she cooed. “Of course, I got to wear one in that simulated rape photo shoot, but that wasn’t a REAL uniform. Uhhh, I hated that shoot. The lunch box they gave me was disgusting. I hope the food at school will be better.”
Tokyoite Rescues iPod from Oncoming Train; Widow Grateful
“I could only see the corner of the screen sticking out from under his shoulder, but as soon as I saw that I just sprang into action. I didn’t think for a moment. I guess it was the adrenaline that gave me the strength and speed to retrieve the iPod from underneath him. He must have weighed at least 200 pounds.”
This harrowing tale could have been taken directly from an action film. In fact, it is the true story of heroic Tokyo resident Jun Nakajima, who was honored at a press conference held at the Tokyo Hyatt Hotel this past Sunday.
The widow of the iPod’s owner spoke briefly to thank him for his selflessness. “If it were not for the split-second thinking and courage of this man, I would have nothing left to remember my husband by,” she sobbed. “I will be forever grateful for him saving the iPod. I will always have these 20 gigabytes of memory.”
News in Brief
• 20% of Recycled Paper in Cup from Porno Magazines
• Adulterous Husband Orders Dinner at Family Restaurant
• Izakaya Chain Rebrands to Attract Younger, More Affluent Alcoholics
• India Surpasses Japan with Highest Number of Billionaires in Asia; Still Has Highest Number of Lepers
• I’m No Racist, Pleads Editor of I Hate Foreign Bastards Magazine
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