Japan's Must-Read Magazine

Osaka Sucker!

Cover me, I’m going in! I have been getting that manipulated feeling recently. The same one I had when I was two and Mum was trying to trick me into believing that the spoon of creamed asparagus and barf was, in fact, Choco Flakes from God’s private stash. I may well be a retard, I just don’t like being treated like one I guess.
First, I read a story in the Daily Yomiuri about the evils of the new horror drug, METH! METH! METH! ARRRRGH! I have also followed similar hysterical stories in the newspapers in New Zealand and England. Crazed 28 Days Later zombie psychos, weeping Mums, pictures of people with their teeth falling out; the whole works. It makes “crack cocaine look like Hersheys!” says the New York Police Chief, probably echoing what he said about crack cocaine and PCP when they first hit the city. And the cool “street slang” names they gave it! Wow! “Ice”! “Nazi Crank”! Apparently Hitler used it everyday. Clap, clap, guys. Hitler! Nice job there, tying it to the Nazis. He was a vegetarian too, didn’t you know? So what should we call carrots? “Adolf Dildos,” maybe?

Then I see that the American fighter pilots who bombed the shit out of their allies just escaped prosecution because they had done a whole bunch of “go-pills.” So it wasn’t their fault. The old “go-pills made me do it” defense. Because the USAF will not certify their pilots as combat worthy unless they take amphetamines, you see. Can’t have Major Biff Shitkicker falling asleep at the controls of his 30 million dollar jet now, can we? And let’s not forget the sniggering references to the “leaded” and “unleaded” coffee in the Major League baseball clubhouses. That’s coffee with and without speed in it, for those of us not earning millions of dollars a week playing a kids game. “Go-pills”? “Leaded coffee”? So innocuous. Whatever happened to the “nazi crank”?

So I think I see how this works now. It’s not what you do, it’s who you do it with.

Major Biff Shitkicker, 30 million dollar A10 Ground Attack Jet, “go-pills”: bombs his own guys to hell. Reprimand, 2 months’ salary deducted.

Major League Baseballer, 30 million dollar salary, “leaded coffee”: gets bombed to hell with his own guys. Hall of Fame. 300 batting average.

Major white trash trailer park loser, 30 months unemployed, “nazi crank”: gets piss tested at his part-time Kinkos gig interview. Jail. Permanent criminal record.
I bet he wishes he’d done “go-pills” or had a few “leaded coffees” instead of ruining his life with that evil, horrible “nazi crank,” huh? And thank God they got him before he sent 6 million Jews to the gas chambers. Phew.

The other recent media 24/7 jizzfest was, of course, Cho Seung-Hui’s Virginia Tech massacre. Don’t get me wrong. That was truly fucked up. And I am not anti-gun. I used a gun pretty much every day from the age of 14. I can put 3 bullets though the ace on a playing card at 250 meters. I have shot everything that walks, crawls or swims. But for me, growing up on a farm, a gun was kept in the truck, the same as the shovel or the pair of wire cutters. A tool. Nothing special.

You just know these NRA guys sit in bars pounding beers, wishing someone would burst in waving a knife so they could blow him away and save the cute barmaid. They go off for a quick one-off-the-wrist in the dunny, drooling about it, in between debates on the relative stopping power of .270 130 grain hollow points and 150 grain softnoses and whether they would have used the 9mm or the .357 had they been at Virginia Tech that day.

Isn’t the argument against nuclear proliferation exactly the opposite of the NRA’s position on handguns? Namely, the more fanatical psychos that have A-Bombs, the more likely it is that someone will use them? And you know where else has a well armed militia and all the guns they can handle? Iraq. And forgive me for saying this out loud, but isn’t that part of the problem? When they were drafting their new constitution I hope you made sure the Iraqis put the Second Amendment in guys, or the place would really be out of control now, huh?

Oh, hang on, I see the problem in my argument. Iraqis and Iranians are brown, not white. Kind of like the poor bewildered buggers from Pakistan and Sri Lanka they had on TV to talk about the backlash against Koreans in the wake of the massacre. Hey, CNN/NBC guys. Heads up. I know there weren’t enough real Koreans to go around for all the TV stations but, honestly, check a map. I’m pretty sure Sri Lanka and Korea are different countries, despite the populace not being the same color as Larry King and Nancy Grace.

I know for 90% of the Americans reading this, I’m preaching to the choir. But telling your mates you hate Bush and putting a Canadian flag on your backpack when you hit Europe doesn’t cut it anymore. When 2008 comes along, please vote, will you? Thanks.

DJ Frankie G be now pumping out da’ roots reggae vibes mon’, eva-ry Tuesday at da Mad Kafe along with Dubby Bon. After Mad Kafe, the party moves to Sam & Dave 2 for a newer dancehall style with DJs Oasis, Snob and Stereo Crava. Irie.

The hot new thing on the block has now officially become “Good Old Triangle.” Their 5th anniversary party at the start of the month is a three day affair: Friday 1st sees DJ Marky headlining, with Ram Rider on Saturday 2nd and Ultra Brain on Sunday 3rd. Which to choose, which to choose…

Instead, if you wanted to go and see an out-of-touch-with-reality, washed-up 80s hair metal has-been buried far up his own ass, singing “18 and Life” when “45 and Nursing Home” would be more appropriate, then have I got a deal for you! Sebastian Bach is also playing on the 2nd at IMP Hall. Last I saw of “Seb” was him spitting the dummy on YouTube and storming off like a hysterical bitch because a plastic cup landed on stage somewhere near him in Sydney. Wah wah wah. Baby wants a Zima.

Thursday 7th has virtually every Osaka old school hardcore band ever invented opening for Murphy’s Law at King Cobra (next to Triangle Park). Aggressive Dogs, SxOxB, Rise from the Dead, Sand, Sobut… you could probably pay for your ticket at the scrap metal dealers just by going through the crowd after the show with a metal detector and scooping up the broken-off steel jacket studs and torn-off wallet chains. Oi Oi Oi.

Live in Kyoto and feel like you’re missing out on the gyaruzu who look like boys and the boys who look like gyaruzu? Metro has a night of Hi-NRG and Hard House for Yoji Biohemanika’s CD release party on Friday 8th.

The 8th also has the Red Hot Willi Floppers’ rescheduled March dates at Kyocera Dome.

Saturday 9th is SeeLector night at Cauliflower. It’s also my birthday party, so pop down for some tea and scones why don’t you? DJ Blue Snot 45, Doctor, TJ, Eye Scream, Lawrence and more. And by “more,” I mean a full-size Ferrari cake, 20 kilos of “Nazi Crank” and free guns to anyone who does Stuntman Shots. Ahh, Cauliflower! Always a safe place to party.

Sunday 10th is brutal. It’s SWARRRM’s CD release party at Juso FANDANGO. This venue’s worth going to sometimes just because it’s in the middle of the sleaziest part of the city. The whole surrounding area is one big red light, basically. Corrupted, Mortalized and the charmingly named Die You Bastard! will be opening up. Earplugs? Shmeerplugs! They also have old school punkers the Garlic Boys and Saboten the week after on Sunday 17th. Would you like a handjob with that?

For prog-house fans, Saturday 16th has to be DJ Slacker from London at the Lime party at SAZA*E. Ange, Yashima and co will be on the decks as well, of course. Ange also hosts Haven every Friday, for a more house/electro vibe, along with Jules, Luke, Brett and co.

Back when I first came to Japan, the first job I ever had was bartender at Sam & Dave 2. There were 2 positions going and 3 candidates. I missed out because I couldn’t say “Irasshai!” to save my life. Glen (ex-PURE manager) got the gig instead, the suck-up Japanese studying bastard. He has sadly left now (kudos, mate!) but Sam and Dave 2 soldiers on, still a hip-hop institution. Friday 29th and Saturday 30th is their… wait for it… 17th anniversary! Holy bling bling, Batman!

Deron Reynolds, aka The Geminiac, will be having his CD release party at Covent Garden on Friday 29th. This has been a long time coming and is well worth the wait. Cheap, too: only ¥1000 with a drink, and CDs on sale for the bargain price of ¥1000 a pop.

The Hijak crew are having their Blakjak party at Jardin (across from the Apple store) on Saturday 30th. If new jazz/electro/progressive house/drum & bass is your deal and partying under the stars sounds good, this is the night. The place is awesome. 10 DJs! Holy shit! TripleBypass, Ange, Jules, Sachiko, Monkey, bRoTheRmAn, MilkBro and more.

For rock fans, Saturday 30th is also Japanese band of the moment 8OTTO’s gig at Club Quattro. These guys rule. Trust me on this one.

Finally, also on the 30th, the last remaining DJs Will, Freebass, Basir and Go will be holding the Hi-Tech house/electro/techno party at Mad Kafe. Busy night, huh?

This month’s picks?
Windows XP: Honestly, fuck Vista. Virtually Instant Stress. Trouble Ahead.
Shisha Pipes: Best ones in Osaka? Again, Mad Kafe and Exodus.