Abe Unaware He’s the Rebound Prime Minister
Newly anointed Prime Minister Shinzo Abe, according to sources inside the government, is unaware at the start of his term that he is little more than the rebound PM. The Japanese people, still in denial and dealing with lingering feelings for former premier Junichiro Koizumi, are apparently not yet ready to enter into a serious long-term relationship with a new leader.
Abe is pushing ahead with his plans for education reform and foreign policy adjustments while blissfully unaware that he is just the start of what experts predict will be a series of stump and dump politicians. Abe seemed the obvious choice for a first prime ministerial fling, but some suggest Sadakazu Tanigaki may be better if the country is looking for a long-term steady.
Ex-pat Banker Loves His Wife in America
Over a dry martini in Roppongi’s HeartBrand Bar last Saturday, Ralph Richardson of Maryland, US, overflowed with the joy of a man who truly loves his wife in America. However, he was quick to note that he doesn’t like her so much when she is in Japan.
“I think you could call it ‘seasonal matrimony’,” he explained. “I saw a thing on the Discovery Channel about how it’s common with some cultures in the South Pacific… or maybe it was groundhogs. Anyway, as long as she’s in the US visiting my in-laws, I can bang all the chicks I want.”
Richardson, who spends half the year apart from his family, went on to explain that the long distance relationship isn’t maintained easily. “You have to make sure you put all the pictures of your family back out before she gets home. It’s hard to explain that one, let me tell you.”
Miniature Dachshund Planning to Kill Owner
Kin-Kin, a miniature dachshund with a genetic hip disorder resulting from over-breeding, confided to a Negi source that he had been considering ways to kill his owner for some time.
“Once I tried to chew her toe off – the big one – while she was sleeping, but I was only able to chafe her skin a bit,” the beleaguered dog explained. “If I were a normal size dog it wouldn’t be a problem, but I suppose I’ll have to work on her slowly.”
Kin Kin’s list of grievances is long, but he cites being “shoved in a bag with a mascara brush stuck up my ass” as highest on his list. His owner, Ayumi Hasegawa, unaware of her pet’s lethal intentions, expressed fondness for her “bestest boyfriend ever.”
Shinto Spirit of Moss Plant Feeling Under-Worshipped
In a shocking confessional, the eternal and infinite spirit of a patch of moss on a rock in Nagano Prefecture expressed distress over his lack of notoriety. “Ok, first off, I get it that there are a lot of spirits and some are gonna get worshiped more than others, right?” it told reporters. “Like billions, right? But even that stupid rock beneath me gets more worship then I do. A tree, sure that’ll pull down some worship, you’ve got to expect that. But can’t these people throw a little ceremony and tradition my way? I mean, seriously, what the fuck do I have to do?”
5 Year-Old Dreams of Becoming Office Worker
The winner of The Negi’s annual When I Grow Up! picture contest is a Hyogo Prefecture student, Kenji Kagura, who entered his drawing entitled Office Worker. The contest drew 42,231 submissions from around Japan and showed similar patterns to years past, with 41,874 submissions about becoming an “office worker.” Another 356 submissions were titled Sleeping, and one novel submission from Tokyo was titled, I Want to Be Emperor But I Can’t Because I’m Not a Boy Like My Cousin.
Tokyoites to Be Renumbered, Not Forgotten
Since the numbering of subway trains last year successfully increased the ease with which foreign tourists navigate Japanese public transport, the government has announced plans to number all residents.
Believing it was difficult for foreigners to pronounce multi-syllabic words like Osaka and Tokyo, authorities began by designing an ingenious system that replaced station names with a single letter and number. For instance, Gokokuji station on the Yurakucho line is now Y-3, being the third station on that train line.
These initial stages have had mixed results, with one visitor remarking: “I asked some guy where E-3 was and he looked at me like I was some kind of alien. It’s not in my guidebook either. To be honest, it sounds like a narcotic, or maybe a Japanese rap artist.”
The government, undeterred by these complications, has pushed forward a plan to further improve ease of communication by using the same system for its inhabitants. In an effort to alleviate the difficulties of remembering similar-sounding Japanese names, a new citizen renaming program is being proposed.
Under the program, all Japanese citizens will be assigned a code that takes the first letter of their family name, followed by their blood type, and then their new number. For example, Hiroshi Suzuki would be relabeled as S-AB-24601.
The resolution, if passed, will take effect this spring in the greater Kanto area, followed later by other parts of Japan. As Mayor Ishihara (I-A-92536) recently remarked at a press conference: “We hope this will help allow more people to experience Japanese hospitality. But not refugees. I mean, people who want to shop, of course.”
News in Brief
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